I am writing this at 5:00 PM both hurt, and angry.
It's for kind of a stupid reason too, but stupid shit like this bugs me.
It's Christmas, it's supposed to be about spending time with family and NOT blowing your children off on basically the only time you actually get to spend with them. My father [big surprise there, it's always him when it comes to shit like this] was supposed to be here two hours ago to pick up my brothers and me. He would take us to his house [where he lives with his wife that I hate], we would visit for a while and then he would give us our Christmas presents. He never showed up two hours ago, nor has he called us with a reason why. He's not answering our phone calls, which leaves me feeling like he's blowing us off.
This isn't exactly something that has not happened before. He's done it several times; ditched out during a concert he was supposed to be watching, completely out his two older children for the youngest after promising to take them out to dinner, leaving them home and not in his company, making stupid remarks that really can hurt his children emotionally, not stopping by on a few of the nights he was supposed to bring our dinner while our mom was at clinical until 7 and we had no food to cook, the list just goes on and on.
Don't start thinking that I'm bitter because I'm not getting my presents either. I'm perfectly fine with the ones I've got already and they would be sufficient for this year. I'm seriously not that petty, and if I ever BECOME that petty, I will personally pay a hitman to shoot me in the jugular.
No.
I'm bitter because he's constantly doing things like this: leaving us all waiting and holding our arms out like toddlers, expecting him to be the one to lift us up like real dads are supposed to.
These kinds of things have been building up since he and my mom got back together for nine years when I was six, and now that the holidays have hit and he continues to blow us off constantly and neglect us, I've realized that it's probably only going to get worse as the years go on. After dealing with this for so long, this is finally the straw that has broken the camel's back.
It is now 5:12 PM... and my father has still not called or showed up.
Merry Christmas.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Sunday, December 23, 2007
T-T-Tipsy
As I'm writing... I have to admi t that I'm just a little tipst right now. I've had about 3.5 glasses of wine with my mom on an almost empty stomach, and, although I'm not a lightweight, it's getting to my head just a little bit. I'm with it enough to know what I'm typing, but please, forgive the typos, if there are any [I will probably wind up going through and editing this when I've sobered up a little if there are].
S.o.. just three more chapters of my novel and I'll be finished, won NaNoWriMo, but it was stil an unfinished piece and so I'm doing my best to finish that up by the 31st. That's my personal set deadline.
No, I'm probabnly not going to publish it.
Especially since the editing process is still to be done, and that's going to take for fuckign ever. I'm planning that for over the summer, when I can look at it with a fresh mind and read through, print it out and pass it around to friends, then go through and edit the bastard when thety're done prooferading and giving their opinions.
The editing process is a bitch, but one we, as writers, must all go through.
As agonizing as that is.
I have a feeling if I stick to it, I could probably finish it before my edeadline. Especially since I've been on a roll with it all day [save for the 3.5 wine glasses with my mother about 10 minutes ago].
So yeah, uhm... I guess that's all I have to say.
Later,
~Me
S.o.. just three more chapters of my novel and I'll be finished, won NaNoWriMo, but it was stil an unfinished piece and so I'm doing my best to finish that up by the 31st. That's my personal set deadline.
No, I'm probabnly not going to publish it.
Especially since the editing process is still to be done, and that's going to take for fuckign ever. I'm planning that for over the summer, when I can look at it with a fresh mind and read through, print it out and pass it around to friends, then go through and edit the bastard when thety're done prooferading and giving their opinions.
The editing process is a bitch, but one we, as writers, must all go through.
As agonizing as that is.
I have a feeling if I stick to it, I could probably finish it before my edeadline. Especially since I've been on a roll with it all day [save for the 3.5 wine glasses with my mother about 10 minutes ago].
So yeah, uhm... I guess that's all I have to say.
Later,
~Me
Monday, December 17, 2007
A Conversation Between A Friend and Me On Love Over AIM [Yes, I really am this bitter]
Me: first off, i honestly don't believe in love. i think it's just some concept that people came up with to give them a reason to fuck each other over more in a behind closed doors manner
Friend): lol...
Me): but then again, that's just me being bitter over the experiences of basically everyone that i know and am related to
Friend): obviously i believe in love...the entire effing religon is based around it HOWEVER
Friend: ur right in that it is man made.....
Friend: i think you can choose who you wanna love....
Friend: no so much conciously....but
Me): do you know what love honestly is?
Friend: deep down inside...we allow ourselves the oppurtunity to love someone
Me): in my opinion anyway?
Friend): an excuse?
Me): partly, yes, but there's more to it than that
Me): in my opinion, love is the addiction to chemicals that produce feelings that a person has while they're involved with someone who inspires said chemicals, which make you feel good. after a certain amount of time of experiencing these feelings, your mind connects the chemicals with the person. however, we are very emotional creatures, and are incapable of making our perceptions without having some sort of bias to them, and so, when we're confronted with these feelings for a long period of time, we become bitter toward said feelings
Me): thus creating two people who are miserable with each other, and spend the rest of their lives trying to drive one another crazy all in the name of a man-made feeling towards mankind, also reffered to as "love". this is why women stay with abusing husbands, and why everyone puts up with all of the shit that they do when it concerns people they "love"
Friend): see....i dont call that love though
Friend: i call that obligation
Me: love IS an obligation
Friend): you would think
Friend: honestly...i cant prove anything without enforcing my religon on you though
Friend): technically i cant prove my religon...or so they say
Me: I back up my "love is obligation" theory by saying this: from the moment we are born, everyone expects us to fall in love. they expect us to grow up, find someone with whom we have strong feelings toward, fall in love with them, marry them, and have children or whatever. it's set into our heads from birth that if we don't fall in love, there's something wrong with us. so we find someone... ANYONE who can inspire at least some semblance of love inside you just to make the world happy. therefore, love is an obligation.
Friend): lol...
Me): but then again, that's just me being bitter over the experiences of basically everyone that i know and am related to
Friend): obviously i believe in love...the entire effing religon is based around it HOWEVER
Friend: ur right in that it is man made.....
Friend: i think you can choose who you wanna love....
Friend: no so much conciously....but
Me): do you know what love honestly is?
Friend: deep down inside...we allow ourselves the oppurtunity to love someone
Me): in my opinion anyway?
Friend): an excuse?
Me): partly, yes, but there's more to it than that
Me): in my opinion, love is the addiction to chemicals that produce feelings that a person has while they're involved with someone who inspires said chemicals, which make you feel good. after a certain amount of time of experiencing these feelings, your mind connects the chemicals with the person. however, we are very emotional creatures, and are incapable of making our perceptions without having some sort of bias to them, and so, when we're confronted with these feelings for a long period of time, we become bitter toward said feelings
Me): thus creating two people who are miserable with each other, and spend the rest of their lives trying to drive one another crazy all in the name of a man-made feeling towards mankind, also reffered to as "love". this is why women stay with abusing husbands, and why everyone puts up with all of the shit that they do when it concerns people they "love"
Friend): see....i dont call that love though
Friend: i call that obligation
Me: love IS an obligation
Friend): you would think
Friend: honestly...i cant prove anything without enforcing my religon on you though
Friend): technically i cant prove my religon...or so they say
Me: I back up my "love is obligation" theory by saying this: from the moment we are born, everyone expects us to fall in love. they expect us to grow up, find someone with whom we have strong feelings toward, fall in love with them, marry them, and have children or whatever. it's set into our heads from birth that if we don't fall in love, there's something wrong with us. so we find someone... ANYONE who can inspire at least some semblance of love inside you just to make the world happy. therefore, love is an obligation.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Letter to the Media
Mr. Media,
Let me start off by saying that your ideas and methods make me sick. You have turned the planet into Barbie and Ken 101 and I'm sick of feeling like the word "Skinny" is a compliment. You are the reason for my hatred of my body type and the curves that other girls have told me they envied.
I have lived for seventeen years loathing and envying other girls whose size embodied society's idea of "beauty", afraid to look through magazines, terrified to see an article stating that now, bones aren't just beautiful, but they're the latest fashion statement. The messages you send to people today are the reasons so many people are starving themselves into delirium and completely fucking up their organs. You have convinced so many people that the only way to achieve beauty is through starvation, purging, and copious amounts of exercise, diet pills and laxatives.
Hell, you almost convinced me.
I would be lying if I were to say that I had never entertained the thought of bulimia and anorexia. Only for the simple fact that at 4'10" and 137 pounds, I look fat, even though I am at the average weight for my age. I have skipped meals. I have counted calories. And I have exercised until my body was so tired that I collapsed. But I did not do it more than a few times. Only because I realized that this behavior was what you wanted from me, and it was only my body and mind acting on the propaganda that you have spewed out at teenagers for the last several decades.
I have watched what your message does to people. I have seen people waste away, just trying to meet your needs. I'm savvy to your tactics and have seen the psychological torture you abuse my generation with, and I will say this now, before my voice is so hoarse from trying to be heard that I won't be able to manage it:
Fuck you. I refuse to be your latest victim.
Your influence is bad enough that it affects all of us. Not always to such a severe point as some, but enough for me to hear girls talking about diet tips and work out plans every time I walk down the hallway at school. One if my good friends is a size three, and every day she complains about being "fat".
Meanwhile, I am proud to be in that gap between a nine and a seven. Sure, I could be smaller. But I'll get there on my terms. Not yours.
Mr. Media, what I am trying to say is that while you have corrupted the minds of so many people with your brash tactics of making today's standards nearly impossible to reach, there are still some people out here who see you for what you are. These are the same people who plan to bring you down in our own way.
We will always be here, just waiting for you to slip up.
And believe me, we will be ready.
Yours, in anger,
Me.
Let me start off by saying that your ideas and methods make me sick. You have turned the planet into Barbie and Ken 101 and I'm sick of feeling like the word "Skinny" is a compliment. You are the reason for my hatred of my body type and the curves that other girls have told me they envied.
I have lived for seventeen years loathing and envying other girls whose size embodied society's idea of "beauty", afraid to look through magazines, terrified to see an article stating that now, bones aren't just beautiful, but they're the latest fashion statement. The messages you send to people today are the reasons so many people are starving themselves into delirium and completely fucking up their organs. You have convinced so many people that the only way to achieve beauty is through starvation, purging, and copious amounts of exercise, diet pills and laxatives.
Hell, you almost convinced me.
I would be lying if I were to say that I had never entertained the thought of bulimia and anorexia. Only for the simple fact that at 4'10" and 137 pounds, I look fat, even though I am at the average weight for my age. I have skipped meals. I have counted calories. And I have exercised until my body was so tired that I collapsed. But I did not do it more than a few times. Only because I realized that this behavior was what you wanted from me, and it was only my body and mind acting on the propaganda that you have spewed out at teenagers for the last several decades.
I have watched what your message does to people. I have seen people waste away, just trying to meet your needs. I'm savvy to your tactics and have seen the psychological torture you abuse my generation with, and I will say this now, before my voice is so hoarse from trying to be heard that I won't be able to manage it:
Fuck you. I refuse to be your latest victim.
Your influence is bad enough that it affects all of us. Not always to such a severe point as some, but enough for me to hear girls talking about diet tips and work out plans every time I walk down the hallway at school. One if my good friends is a size three, and every day she complains about being "fat".
Meanwhile, I am proud to be in that gap between a nine and a seven. Sure, I could be smaller. But I'll get there on my terms. Not yours.
Mr. Media, what I am trying to say is that while you have corrupted the minds of so many people with your brash tactics of making today's standards nearly impossible to reach, there are still some people out here who see you for what you are. These are the same people who plan to bring you down in our own way.
We will always be here, just waiting for you to slip up.
And believe me, we will be ready.
Yours, in anger,
Me.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
So Yeah...
I definitely suck at the whole blogging thing, but I figured that I'd give it a shot, since everyone else is doing it and it's the new "thing" or whatever. And don't start thinking that it's the only reason I'm doing it either.
You're bound to get a shovel to the face if you do that.
I'm definitely not the type of person who does things just because everyone else is doing it. I think it's stupid and a great way to show that you have absolutely no individual character whatsoever. Actually, this is probably just going to be a place where I can post rants about random shit that pisses me off, maybe I can find people who actually agree with me... but considering how carried away I tend to get, I probably won't find many.
I'm seventeen years old, and your standard brutally honest, outspoken, opinionated, over-achieving, geek with a flare for drama club and a passion for justice, writing and music.
I'm a lover of riots, mosh pits, losers. I condone stealing from the rich, as long as it involves giving to the stupid. And I'm all for abusing Big Brother in any way a human possibly can. I'm an admirer of revolution, prison reforms, conspiracy theories, and beating all of the incredible odds.
This is me.
Call me whatever you want.
But at the end of the day, this is still who I am.
Like it or not, I'm not changing for anyone.
You're bound to get a shovel to the face if you do that.
I'm definitely not the type of person who does things just because everyone else is doing it. I think it's stupid and a great way to show that you have absolutely no individual character whatsoever. Actually, this is probably just going to be a place where I can post rants about random shit that pisses me off, maybe I can find people who actually agree with me... but considering how carried away I tend to get, I probably won't find many.
I'm seventeen years old, and your standard brutally honest, outspoken, opinionated, over-achieving, geek with a flare for drama club and a passion for justice, writing and music.
I'm a lover of riots, mosh pits, losers. I condone stealing from the rich, as long as it involves giving to the stupid. And I'm all for abusing Big Brother in any way a human possibly can. I'm an admirer of revolution, prison reforms, conspiracy theories, and beating all of the incredible odds.
This is me.
Call me whatever you want.
But at the end of the day, this is still who I am.
Like it or not, I'm not changing for anyone.
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